Good day, I'm Katie and I am enamored with life and I like to write, but typing feels best for me so I started this... Public diary, if you will. Tumblr has always been a nice place to me and I hope you enjoy what you see here and decide to maybe chat or just peruse my blog.
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I’m currently really frustrated with myself. I don’t understand why I keep falling for such horrible boys. I just want someone who likes going on dates, and having phone calls. Someone who thinks I’m special and will support me, but I’m constantly liking really distant, uncaring people. What is wrong with me? (Sighs) well I’m going out, going to go smoke my friend’s favorite brand I hope they’re tasty! Being eighteen means I can say that, consequence free, this is a new, good feeling.
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Mr Stovall
He is my favorite teacher and I learned so much about writing and life from him this year, it breaks my heart to know he won’t be my teacher anymore since I’m graduating but you guys, YOU GUYS, he proposed to Ms. Forsha or should I say the future Ms Stovall and I’m just so so so happy for him! I keep picturing him and her in suit and gown and it makes my heart sing. He’s getting married! They’re very deep in love and it’s just… So beautiful! They’ve been dating for ten years and just… Wow. It’s so amazing. I’m just so happy for them, and wanted to spread the joy to you too!
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He has a lanky body that tans
After he gets a sun burn that you
Can poke at without causing him pain
Odd, honest, yet puzzling, my smoking buddy
Buddy, I don’t want to be your buddy and
Best friend is what I call you as you exhale
My friend is cradled in your arms and I am
On the outskirts looking in on love wishing
Your green eyes that spiral into green
Peek at me from behind your soft blonde hair
And you hug me as second place -
Sand through fingers X
“When I see the happiness I give you it gives me a reason to live and love. Do you remember when you passed out at the park? I felt like a failure, I couldn’t keep you happy or safe. When I found you there, eyes closed with the grass sweeping over your soundless body, it was terrifying. Do you know what you did? You embrace me and cried, you said you were so happy to see me. It’s not about stopping her because you can’t. You can’t fix it, you can only support. Do you think I’ve failed you?”
“You’ve never failed me”
“You’ve never failed her”
I’ve found a girl worth suffering for, she’s my other half and I won’t tell her but I would die without the ability to support her. I feel her weight on my bones as she gets lighter, it pushes on my heart. It’s like she’s standing on me in her sleep, I can feel her stiletto digging into my heart. Darcy is broken, as am I but together we can hold strong. She curled up to me, lowering her head onto my shoulder her sharp edged hair soft on my shoulders and in my heart I know she will be okay.
“She’ll be okay just like you’ll be okay.”
“How do you know?” Darcy whispered into my neck.
“Because I need to believe it, because every day I have to show you I care is enough, I know one day it will be alright.” In the end all I have is trust, and love, in taking her down the stairs I felt her shake, I knew her world was collapsing but to be there for destruction would mean I can be there to rebuild.
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Sand through fingers IX
“What’s wrong with her?”
“I can’t tell.”
“What do you mean you can’t tell?”
Tears hit the cement, I could feel the tremors as Darcy crumbled within herself; I touched her hand and felt something break. I decided not to ask anything else about, she’ll tell me what she can but I need to know how our friend is doing. I can’t be selfish and force answers but don’t I need to know?
“You can never go see her okay? I will bring you home the laughter and the silly stories and pictures of her smile but you can’t find out. It will destroy you.”
Darcy did look ten years older honestly. She looked like her heart would never recover.
“Did she hurt herself?”
“You could describe that way.”
“Would she try and…”
“That’s been on her mind.”
“What would you do if she did?”
“I suppose I’d slit my wrists and go for a swim…”
We were both remembering what it was like when she went missing, how worried and anxious we were. I’d sit next to the phone and Darcy would slit her wrists in the restroom. I don’t think we could cope with a loss like that. “I mean she said she wouldn’t, I told her how much I love her and she said she wouldn’t but this life she has could eat her. It could swallow her whole.” I held her hand and felt it tremble terribly. It was like the stars themselves were erupting and breaking in her and supernovas were blanking out who she was. “Is this what it’s like caring about someone who is constantly hurting themselves?”
I swallowed back my sobs, they would slumber in my tummy until tonight “When I feel like I’m losing you it’s the greatest fear in the whole wide world, so I try and tell you how much I care every day. I know it’s hard, and I know it hurts but you can’t take the gun from her, and I can’t take the knife from you; all I can do is hold onto to the other and hope.” Darcy choked.
“How do you live like this?”
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Sand through fingers VIII
It’s five am and we’re home again, Kay brings me to her bed and curls up into my arms like a kitten. I caress her hair and drift into worry free sleep, it felt like the first time I’d ever slept. In the morning I had a text message, I left immediately.
Here’s where things got wild, here is where everything changed, and I can’t tell you about it. I went to my love in the land of burnt spoons. I watched as bad things happened, I drank to escape. We laughed at it but it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t okay. I went to the land of burnt spoons and I was not scorched; however a hole was burned through my heart and I stood on the balcony at night and watched the neighborhood. It was a world down the street that I never got to know. It was insanity and I wasn’t even scared. If someone had shot me off that balcony like a bird, not a feather would flutter.
When I awoke I expected to see Darcy but she wasn’t in bed, she wasn’t on the terrace smoking or in the yard sleeping. After a rapid search of the home I became increasingly worried, Darcy doesn’t do this anymore I remember her red lips parting and she laughed at my concerns because she doesn’t know how to cope. When she placed her hand on mine she got this look and told me she would not just disappear, that the stars don’t just go away during the daytime. I called for her but she was nowhere to be found. Typically she arrives later like a stray cat that comes and goes but today felt different. I shed my pink nightgown and got into a long summer dress to search for her. It just didn’t feel right. It’s about noon and the moment my feet touch the ground I’m racing. “Darcy? Darcy!” I went to the corner of the street, the cars grasp at the wind which in turn tears at my skirt. I can feel Darcy’s fear in my shadow, I look into the darkness and I see her sitting there. She’s constantly with me, protecting me, but she needs me now. Something says left so that’s where I race and at the green apartments I see her standing on a terrace, she always does that even though she’s scared of heights. She said it makes her feel closer to death. She has been crying. Her sharp black and blue hair is shaved at the back and comes down like daggers to form her bangs, and her black smoldering eyes are hidden behind them. I walk to her, her black tank top is ruffled and she looks like hell. She pays no mind to whoever is approaching until I entreat up on her, by oh so softly speaking her name. She looks down with apprehension and sees me.
“Come upstairs, a jived fuck lives there.” Slowly I came up the stairs until I was next to her watching the cars pass by and the clouds swirl. “I found her” My face lit up, she looked like I spit on her “You can’t see her. She isn’t well.”
“You always said she’d be okay…”
“I was wrong.”
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Sand through fingers VII
I tried to refuse her but her entreating eyes were so powerful I couldn’t refuse. My stomach growled and I conceded. I ordered eggs wrapped in a crepe; the eggs were really fluffy with sautéed onions and spinach. It was coated in a warm cheese sauce, and I filled my fork with a bite and savored it. She watched me. “Is it good…?”
“It’s delicious Kay, the truth is I love eating. I’m always hungry these days and when someone puts food in me, I just can’t help it. I’m already starting to bloat; any meal is too much for my stomach. I’m in too deep. I love to eat, I love it so much.”
“Why don’t you eat more?”
“I just want to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror and see something beautiful and I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so ashamed when I eat, as if I’ve given into some monster inside my stomach and fed it. I chose eggs of all things, with a whole bunch of fat soluble vitamins, which means that what my body does not use, will turn to fat. I am growing as we speak. I love eating, but I hate the way it makes me feel.”
“Don’t you think you should be worrying about your health? Beauty is more than what is outside. Have you ever thought a girl couldn’t be beautiful because of her waistline?”
“I go by different standards for me doll, everyone else is such an amazing person but me, I need work. No one will love this violent mess of a personality, and I don’t care about my health. I don’t want a long life. I don’t deserve to eat, or that long life everyone strives for.”
Finally she asked me, “How thin do you want to be?”
“I want to be so thin you, anyone could carry me, I want to be so thin that the wind carries me away and birds stand stagnant because I am not be feared. I want to be so thin that I can walk on a sheet of freshly frozen water without it breaking; I want to be so skinny I fucking die. You know I lost ten fucking pounds…” I trailed off and shoved the food into my mouth.
Kay nodded solemnly, she had pancakes and we ate silently. With joy and horror I finished my plate. I finished my plate. I considering rushing to the bathroom but what was the fucking point, I couldn’t do that. Hand in hand we walked home and I told her I thought that was the best thing I’ve ever eaten. She said she would feed me anytime. She said she’d be here for me; she’d walk me through this. I was terrified.
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Some things I have to say
- I think I might like One Direction so I have to turn in my man card
- I’ve really been missing my birthplace Alabama lately, craving real catfish and fried green tomatoes. My grandpa wasn’t very nice when I visited but it was a beautiful place. I want to visit. I don’t want to visit. I’m so indecisive
- I’ve come up with a very witty plan as to how to hit on my crush but I doubt I’d go through with it (places head in hands in disappointment).
- Walked six miles monday through thursday and I’m pretty fucking proud man.
- I missed an art banquet today and I feel bad but I wouldn’t have wanted to be in that situation anyway… I think. I don’t know I wish I had gone but my friend had a horrible day and I’m glad I was there for her all at once.
- Have you had some serious fucking catfish? I mean really, it’s so great. I’m a pescetarian because I just can’t give up fish. I just love seafood so much you guys. I could legitimately just sit here and go on about how amazing seafood is. Sometimes I really miss all the other meats but fish baby, you’re all the protein I need.
- I think I’m a cat on the inside.
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So things are finally okay again, my friend is doing a million times better and I’m really happy. The rest of the story is in the queue, and I’m going to try and get back into visiting more often. I’ve missed you darling Tumblr, hope you missed me too!
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Things are a little better now, I have an opportunity to make things better and I’m going to take it. Fighting off all this shit is hard but as long as I don’t lose this person I’ll keep moving. Every time I see her I wonder if it will be the last time. It’s terrifying. I don’t know. I’m just going to keep moving forward.
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It’s because it’s what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that’s what you need to do. You don’t need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don’t win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you’re a man, aren’t you? Aren’t you?
–Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
